[20:39] Sandra: josh and amanda got married
[20:39] Kelly: what??
[20:39] Kelly: good grief.
[20:39] Kelly: are they still fighting?
[20:39] Sandra: no
[20:39] Sandra: they are actually getting along really well
[20:39] Sandra: i think josh really loves her
[20:39] Kelly: really? well that’s good, seeing as they are MARRIED.
I feel physically sick today; not ill, but a bundle of nerves, insecurities, and worries. I’m in no state of mind to try and decide if they are legitimate feelings or ones brought on by a new herbal pill I’ve been taking for about a week. Granted, the box did warn that I might feel “worse” before I felt “better” but I’m not sure how you’re supposed to know if that’s the case or if…
I’m going to pretend for a minute that your eyes didn’t glaze over as soon as you read I was feeling badly. “Feeling badly? Kelly? Seriously? Call the whaaaambulance.”
Hearing about other people graduating from college (hearing about, mind you, not actually being invited to a ceremony WHO WOULD DO THAT?) freaks me out. I feel behind. I am behind. I suppose it doesn’t matter that I am behind, only that I try to catch up. But that’s the thing, I know I won’t. And not just with school, either, but life. Everyone I know is either graduated or on their way, or they’re married with children or seeing someone quite seriously that they intend to marry, or have some grand idea of future endeavors.
I’m also lonely in a disgustingly boy-less sort of way. This is entirely my fault and I’m in full realization of this. I’m probably the most difficult person to be with, hands down. But combine that with the unfortunate fact that most boys are so utterly ridiculous… is it okay to be single for forever? And by single I don’t mean “not married” but more like… never having had a romantic relationship that was worth mentioning in passing conversation. Never having someone who enjoyed your presence so much that they wanted to keep you around for an extended period of time… that’s what I mean by “single.” I don’t want a boyfriend or some ridiculous relationship that only leads to groping and or other such things. I’d rather spend the rest of my life with someone I loved not touching them ever even by ACCIDENT than having some physical relationship with a guy who just wants blah-de-blah blah.
Can you register for arranged marriages online? Just asking.
After finding out none of her friends were available to play yesterday, Ronja hung up the phone. Shrugging a bit, she said, “It doesn’t matter.” She plopped on the couch next to her brother who had been listening attentively to a story I was reading, and shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter. I can play with Luca all day today.”
She paused and bent over to whisper in Luca’s ear: “You’re much sweeter, anyway.”
Um. I deactivated my Facebook and now I have reactivated it. I need some pills to make my decision for me.
I STILL HOPE to produce a change in how I communicate with people. I don’t even send emails anymore (long gone is the handwritten note), I just send a message on Facebook. I’m also hoping to change how people communicate with me, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Things between me and some of my friends have changed in an irrevocable manner.
Things with me are okay. I’ve been in a weird mood for a week or so. I swing back and forth from super busy to bored out of my mind in a manner of 5 minutes. But when I’m bored I don’t WANT to be given some random task… I want to chop wood or beat pillows or run a marathon.
I’m waiting not-so-patiently for spring. I miss my skirts and flip-flops.
[20:24] Josh: xxx-xxxx is my #, call me sometime. i have to go. i love you aunt kelly.
I added punctuation marks for clarity but isn’t that sweet? I can’t believe I’m going to be an AUNT.
I think I actually may be crazy. And I don’t mean insane or anything like that but just properly in the pits of my brain crazy. I can’t think of what else the explanation may be. I’m crazy. I should be committed.
A Few Reasons I Happen To Be Able To Think Of At This Moment:
I’m not actually HERE most of the time. It’s a weird thing to say but I think my brain is a lot of the time somewhere else, floating in space or something. Sometimes people are talking to me and I drift away or find it hard to keep eye contact because I’m barely listening and I really, really don’t mean to be doing it.
When I’m out in public alone, traveling or something, I find I get really restless if I don’t have my ipod with me and can’t turn the volume all the way up and drown everything else out. I like having a soundtrack to what I’m doing. I can NOT be on the bus/tram/train by myself without the ipod (or, at the very least, a book) because I feel that everyone is looking at me and talking about me and and and… Clearly, I have a hard time participating in the real world.
And I over think EVERYTHING. I do mean everything. Everything I do is thought about for hours later. Was it dumb? Stupid? Did I embarrass myself? I question absolutely everything I feel and think and want and believe. I question it and question it until POOF — it doesn’t exist for me anymore. Instead it’s this abstract thing that isn’t real and is just something I read about once… or something.
When I go to sleep I dream and dream and then sometimes I have a hard time separating what I dreamed from what really happened and I’ll wake up mad at someone or missing someone because of what happened in the DREAM and not in real life. It happened last night with a guy I know in Missouri and now I feel either irrationally angry or irrationally sad and I can’t tell why but he hasn’t actually done ANYTHING (which may or may not be the point).
I never think anyone likes me. I mean you could hang a banner from a plane that said, “I like you, you stupid moron, just accept it” and fly it around the planet and I wouldn’t believe you. I mean, not EVERYONE of course, I know there are some people who do actually like me but with people I’ve just met? My brain doesn’t allow me to believe it. Or the slightest thing, even a facial tic and I’m thinking oh no [s]he hates me…. Ho hum.
–
Maybe this morning is just a “crazy” morning but man. I woke up and now I’m feeling completely weird. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing from July on and I have no idea what I WANT to be doing. Today I definitely feel like an organism and if I flung myself into space so high that I just spontaneously evaporated then that would be the most fitting ending to the tale of a baby who was born and grew up to be a girl that no one could pin down in one place long enough to care about because she was entirely and utterly weird.
And when I’m feeling insane I write ridiculously gloomy run-on sentences.
Maybe it’s because the weather is depressing this morning and I think all those magpies outside are
about
to
attack.
Over the past 5 minutes, this post had several different beginnings:
- Olivia asked me in a comment about what’s been going on in my life lately…
- There are some friends of mine whom I find myself incapable of…
- Yesterday, I started working on…
None of them were suitable for an update. I don’t feel like explaining the transition from Germany to Missouri and back again. I’m refraining from writing about people to preserve whatever strands of relationship we have left. Nobody cares what I’m working on.
I’m sitting in my room in Karlsruhe clinching the rug beneath me with the toes on my left foot, my right foot tucked up under me like always. A .5 L bottle of Coke Zero sits to my left, along with a bottle of Volvic mineral water. Switchfoot is up on iTunes (Can you be two girls in one? Can your heart bend this much without breaking? You know that you know and you can never have it both ways).
For the record, I don’t understand why it’s so hard to say, “I want you to stay” or “I want you to come back” — and I don’t know why I need to hear these things. I guess it’s just that the words are nice, you know? There is grinning, laughter, looks, pokes, hugs and feelings but sometimes you just need people to look you in the eye and say something that they mean but I’m beginning to think that all the lead in Missouri sucks the communication ability right out of people.
My eyebrow ring fell out.
Luca and I were in his room doing his Logopedie — part of this involves looking in the mirror — and it was gone. GONE. There were two scabby looking holes in place of the barbell I’d grown quite attached to. I panicked and dragged Luca down to the bathroom where I hastily tried to shove a leftover hoop inside it… it protested and bled but eventually the ring was all the way through. BUT I had no way of getting the ball in it. It’s some stupid ball-clasp hoop thing and I am retarded with those… couldn’t do it.
I looked down at 5-year-old Luca and told him we were having a scavenger hunt. He was really excited and went and got a flashlight to help me find my jewelry.
We searched all over the house and couldn’t find anything. I gave up and set Luca down with some Kapla blocks and went in my room to check my phone. I gave the room one last sweep and THERE IT WAS on the rug. Just lying there. The other ball was missing but I had an extra so it wasn’t a big deal. So it’s back in! But now I’m terrified of rejection and infection…
Luca was so sweet about it. He kept patting my arm and saying he’d help me, and that it was “schade.” He went to his toy box and brought me a rubber black bear and said it was a gift for me, to make me feel beter. What a darling.
And yep! The day was horrible (for other reasons as well of course) but now it’s over. And so go Thursdays…
xoxo
For those of you who do not know, I started my new au pair job with a very sweet family in the northern black forest. They have 3 children: Stephanie (11), Ronja (6) and Luca (5). I’ve only been here for about 4 days but I can already tell that I am going to really enjoy my time here.
Luca is a dear, sweet little boy. I’ve really never met a child as affectionate as he is. Sometimes I want to just gobble him up. I can’t even tell you how many times in the past few days he has crawled in my lap and pressed his nose against my cheek or wrapped his arms around me and just rested there. I love him to pieces already. We occasionally have troubles understanding each other but his sister is very good about trying to translate. When nothing can be done there is usually a grin or a tickle and then we move on to something else. He asks the craziest questions sometimes and likes to tell me extremely long stories in German that I understand about half of. Today, after a great amount of snow fell, he was looking out the window and saw the neighbor shoveling his driveway. He called me over and said (in German), “Kelly, will you please please go tell that man that he should shovel our driveway too? There is a lot more snow than just the snow on his driveway!” When I laughed and told him no, he pouted and asked, “Can I please, please go out and tell him then?”
Ronja is a monkey. She loves climbing all over everything, especially her au pairs. She is very cheeky and sometimes getting her dressed is a trial, but I really find myself unable to get angry at her. This morning I really just wanted to go back to bed as I sat on the floor with her clothes in front of me. She refused to come put them on and when I asked her why she said, “I made a dance for you” and proceeded to show me right then. I couldn’t help but smile and let her finish. She DID get her clothes on eventually…. She has her very own mind about absolutely everything and can be extremely stubborn and bull-headed. When she gets like that, I find it’s easier to make her laugh and then afterwards lay down the law a bit. She seems to understand a bit better after a chuckle. She’s extremely clever and (just like my German) her English has improved since I arrived. Sometimes she’ll try to explain something to me in English and get sooooo frustrated and stamp and I’ll say, “Tell me in German” and it’s like a dam has broken. A flood of words pour out of her so quickly that I can’t keep up so I fall over and play dead.
Stephanie is intelligent. I think that’s the best way to describe her. Along with that, she’s a typical 11 year old. She can be a bit argumentative sometimes, perhaps, but her arguments are always very clever and I have trouble not grinning sometimes when she comes back with a retort to Anna (the former, former au pair who lives with them now) or her mum or Ronja or someone. She loves Harry Potter, musicals and music in general. We have very much in common and I need to really make some time to spend with her sometime this week.
I am moving to the US today. I AM MOVING TO THE US TODAY.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe I’ll spontaneously combust. I’m trying not to think of it.
Blue skies, though. The perfect weather for flinging yourself into the sky.